Friday, March 23, 2012

The Point V2. - Vol. X - The Madness Continues

In a continuation of last week's rant about John Carter fan-made trailers and Wrestlemania, the Procrastinator's Point's March madness has now been overwhelmed with news about "Tebowmania and the Manning-fest Destiny" and the "Twitter Porno Prom". Again in this post, I won't be writing about the NCAA tournament where four Big Ten teams were involved in the sweet sixteen, because I'm still angry about Missouri being upset in the first round. Thus, ruining my chance at a million dollars in the KFAN bracket challenge. But I do have to mention that the Minnesota Gophers are in the Final Four of the 2012 NIT Tournament, GO GOLDEN GOPHERS. But back to the issue...
Tim Tebow was the QB for the Denver Broncos a few months ago in the NFL playoffs. He won quite a few games by "lucking" into victories in games where his defense kept the score close, and he invented the art of "Tebowing." Before Linsanity hit last month, Tebowmania was all the rage, and it's back with a vengeance.  So, how is it that that playoff quarterback got sent packing?
Well, here is how it all went down.  Peyton Manning had surgery and sat out last year. During his recovery, his former team lost so many games that they got to pick the best young quarterback in the upcoming draft (who will it be? Andrew Luck? RG3?). Then, his team fired him...out with the old and in with the new they said. Monday of this week, former Indianapolis Colt Peyton Manning signed with the Denver Broncos, and by Wednesday Tim Tebow was kicked out the door and the contents of his locker were personally packed up by John Elway to be shipped USPS to New York City before all the trade details were even completed. Elway wouldn't even pay for UPS or FedEx shipping. The Broncos traded Tebow and a seventh round draft pick to the New York Jets for a fourth and sixth round pick, a towel boy, six rolls of toilet paper, one of those fancy orange coolers you put Gatorade know the ones that get dumped on the coach after their Super Bowl victory, and a case of Dr. Pepper sent directly to the office of the Procrastinator's Point. Ok....I made a few of those up and obviously the Procrastinator's Point doesn't have an office. The trade only involved the draft picks and split the payment of five million dollars in bonuses of some sort. Now, that Peyton found a home and the orphan Tebow has been moved into foster care, perhaps the NFL and free agency can get back to what matters. Will the Vikings find a way to sign the oldest active NFL quarterback, Mark Brunell? Since last year he played for the Jets, he just may be available this year.

The free agency frenzy that pushed the league's most positive player into one of the nation's most negative cities was only the beginning of sports news. Extreme violence news broke in the sporting world with the NFL's "Bounty on the Bayou" and the NHL's "Ice Intimidation."  Ever see Slapshot? Or perhaps the upcoming theater release Goon (it was available on-demand and is a hit in Canada).  If you watched the NHL's national-televised game on Monday where the New York Rangers faced the New Jersey Devils and enjoyed it, I recommend seeing those films. Hockey is known to have its violent moments, but this stunt was ridiculous. It was completely staged and set-up by the coaches when they pulled their normal starting line-up to have their enforcers brawling within 3 seconds of the puck drop. It was as if the Hanson Brothers possessed these teams. A few players were busted open as one had his blood spilling onto the ice just seconds into the first period. This moment represented everything that is morally wrong with the NHL especially since the hockey community has been wildly concerned lately about injuries, most notably those resulting in brain damage. Plus, it sets a horrible example for young hockey leagues. But, the NFL wasn't about to be outdone. Not only did Peyton Manning bully Tim Tebow out of a job with his outstanding talent, the NFL began doling out disciplinary action for those involved in the "Bounty on the Bayou" scandal after a two-year investigation unearthed how players were given bonuses for having their opponents carted off the field.

The New Orleans Saints' players and coaching staff participated in a bounty program where their players targeted certain opposing team players for a monetary reward. Pay for performance programs are not new in the NFL...whether a running back is offered a bonus for reaching 1000 yards or defensive players are paid bonuses for a set amount of interceptions or fumble recoveries or sacks...these types of reward-systems, if contractual, are allowed. However, the Saints programs paid for bodily injury towards their opponents. If a player was knocked out of a game, the person who caused the injury was given a bonus. If I paid our marketing department to injure one of our employees, then I'm pretty sure that our marketing department would be charged with assault, and I'd probably get conspiracy to commit assault. That's assuming the Procrastinator's Point had an office, marketing department, or employees...not the point though! NFL commissioner Roger Goodell divvied up sanctions throughout the Saints' organization and gave their former defensive coordinator an indefinite suspension for being the architect of the bounty program. Saint's coach Sean Peyton was suspended for a year without pay and the general manager was suspended for about half a season.  Other coaches in the program got 6 game suspensions, and the team was fined $500,000.  That's a half of a million...that's it? The Jets and Broncos split 5 million of pay for Tebow like it was nothing. I'm pretty sure $500,000 is in most NFL owner's petty cash box.  The NFL has fined players for illegal helmet-to-helmet hits trying to protect players from injury. Pittsburgh Steeler, James Harrison, has been fined multiple times and banned from games after such hard hits on the field. Yet, the Saints encouraging injuries results in a such a low fine?  I hope that Roger Goodell is not done with this case and players will be dealt out fines as well. I also wonder if any criminal charges will be brought up since the players did have malicious intent towards hurting someone for monetary gain. It is also rumored that legislative may come to pass to stop this from ever happening again.

THE VOICE isn't about singing, it's a fashion show!
The worst part about all this sports nonsense...I haven't even got to mention what has really pissed me off the past two weeks. I know that I've said reality television is killing scripting television and told you all to stop watching reality this is hard to admit. I still watch the Voice, but I don't know for how much longer. Cee Lo Green, one of the show's "coaches," has kicked off two of my favorite performers in the past two weeks. Jamie Lono did such a great version of Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues but was eliminated in the battle round by Cee Lo Green. Jamie should have picked Adam Levine as his coach and would probably still be on the show. Jamie's elimination bothered me but not as much as a week later when the Shields Brothers competed in the battle round against Erin Martin. If you saw the performance, you'll know that Erin Martin can't sing, but she can dress provocatively (check out the video here: "What's Love Got To Do With It"). So, the Shields Brothers were obviously sent packing because Cee Lo wasn't thinking correctly or as I posted on Twitter #StopThinkingWithYourPecker. So, check out this cover of Cee Lo Green's Forget You by the Shields Brothers and help them punch America in the face with Rock and Roll.

Speaking of thinking with your pecker, have you heard about Mike Stone? He's the Oakdale High School student from N. Saint Paul who couldn't find a prom date, so he took a page out the plot of The Girl Next Door. I can't believe this is actually being covered in the news, but its been on local radio and television as well as nationally through on-line news sites like USA TODAY. The Today Show will probably cover it next week. Here is how the story goes...Mike sent out 600 or so tweets to the porn community, and finally got a response from one adult-film star, Megan Piper. The film star told the high schooler that she would go if he found a way to pay her travel expenses. Stone set up a PayPal account and accepted donations until he got the funding needed. Now, the school has barred Stone from bringing Piper to the Prom. Piper is only 19 and never got to go to her own Prom. I don't get the school's stance on this issue...unless they think that the male chaperones will be distracted then I totally get it. Honestly, I think the school missed an opportunity. Teens have sex on Prom night that's a fact that I'm sure somebody has done scientific research on...but if every guy at the Prom is distracted by the one girl who is paid to have sex on-screen (who in my opinion probably won't be sexing it up at a high school Prom with an individual she met on Twitter - would you bring your work to a relaxing evening out?), then a whole bunch of teenage girls will not be having sex with their distracted boyfriends and therefore not be getting pregnant and ending up on a MTV reality show. My other issue with this ban on her is that I remember students inviting others to Prom who were no longer in High School. If Oakdale allows outside dates, I expect to see a list of their occupations.  To me, it sounds like occupation discrimination.  For those of you worried about Mike Stone, Pornhub (an on-line adult site) will be covering the expenses for Megan Piper to have a romantic evening with the boy. So, he gets a date with a porn-star...if he can get his parents permission. Good luck kid!

ABC, CBS, and even NBC are safe, for now
Lastly, I have a beef with the FOX network. If you haven't heard, Terra Nova was cancelled, however it is rumored that Netflix may bring it back to life like they are doing with Arrested Development (and they should do with Firefly and the Good Guys). Also, I've heard that the Finder and Alcatraz are both on the bubble as well (Netflix...take notice). Plus, the network decided to end House this year. And still, they haven't renewed Fringe for another season. But what is the worst thing they've done? They cancelled Breaking In, brought it back on the air a year later but changed it into an office comedy instead of a caper comedy, and they'll probably re-cancel it soon enough. This upsets me because while they use Brett Harrison's career like a yo-yo, he won't be available to be cast in my version of Ghostbusters 3 (once Dan Aykroyd reads my script ideas..forward the link to his Twitter, if it worked for Mike Stone, it may work for me). Ok, honestly the worst thing FOX has done is not renew Fringe and cancelling Terra Nova.  But that's nothing compared to what Michael Bay did...he is producing the live-action reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and said that the origin story would have some sort of alien twist. Fanboys were outraged because:

  1. Teenagers are terrestrial beings of a certain age based off of a Earth-based numerical system 
  2. Mutant would imply a mutation and not being an "alien" creature  
  3. Ninjas use Earth-based martial arts skills
  4. Turtles are also terrestrial beings 

I found their logic to be in order, and Michael Bay responded to the fanboys a couple days later by saying "fans need to take a breath, and chill." Whoa, whoa, whoa...Chill?  I was fine with the first statement because as far as I knew, maybe the mutation was caused by something alien in nature, so I stayed out of the fanboy discussion. But, you can't say mutant turtles will be alien turtles and not expect some backlash. And then have the gall to tell the fans to chill? Not cool Michael Bay...not cool. Go work for FOX so they can cancel you.

To wrap this up...very few Broncos' fans and all of the Jets' wide receivers are upset at how "Tebowmania and the Manning-fest Destiny" played out, but they aren't nearly as pissed as Saints fans after the "Bounty on the Bayou" sanctions were handed out, hockey is violent, occupation discrimination will be allowed by the Prom committee, Mike Stone is a genius, Michael Bay is not, FOX get your sh#t together, Dan Aykroyd should use my Ghostbusters' cast and script ideas, Mutants are not aliens, Netflix keep up the good work, what happens if Tebowing and Linsanity have a baby?, go see John Carter this weekend even though the Hunger Games was on my most anticipated list of 2012 and is the next blockbuster being released in what I've dubbed as the "Epitome of Awesomeness," and Thanks once again for using the internet for something other than porn or Facebook or Twittering pornstars for Prom dates and taking your time to read my blog. Be sure to watch the Golden Gophers in the NIT tournament as well as Community on NBC and then tune in next time for the zany adventures of the one and only self-proclaimed semi-professional procrastinator that doubles as an entertainment guru...or as my mom called me...that damn lazy couch potato.