Wednesday, April 24, 2013

FAH-Q Troll

Wikipedia states that, "In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community." Internet trolls are an annoyance, but normally I can deal with their stupidity. But yesterday, some idiot really set me off when he/she decided to post spoilers for a major upcoming summer blockbuster that was recently released overseas. Not only did this person post spoilers, but they did it on an unrelated thread on my favorite movie based website, Screenrant.com.

What kind of person does something like that? When I am talking to someone face-to-face about a movie, I ask if they've seen the movie before discussing spoilers, and if I'm in a group, I'm careful not to mention plot points in case someone hasn't had the chance to see the movie. It's called courtesy, kids. Where is the common courtesy these days? Does the anonymity of the internet allow for us to shuck the conventional ideals of manners and morals? Does good and evil not exist on-line? I realize that spoilers have a shelf life (Darth Vader is Luke's father), but ruining a plot twist before the film is even released is an assholish move that even I cannot comprehend.

Now, I understand that the recent tragic events in Texas, the terrorism attacks in Boston, and also anywhere else violent crimes or natural disasters happen probably trump my grievance of a moron's inability to follow typical human protocol for internet etiquette or netiquette as some call it, but I'm going to rant anyways. Because it's my duty as a protector of the internet and an advocate for fanboy rights.

Manners, it is what sets man apart from the beasts. I teach my kids these on a daily basis. Chew with your mouth shut, cover your nose when you sneeze, don't stab the dog with a fork, we don't eat people...simple little rules that we are taught from age "whenever I can figure things out" until your kids stick you in a nursing home. If you're crapping yourself on a daily basis, you can give out spoilers without any reaction from me. The difference is that infants and the senile aren't using the internet to ruin movies for everyone, they have decency. But the faceless internet troll lives life being invisible, so they feel invincible when they make their outlandish posts because of the reaction from the common user. These trolls can be anyone, and it is best to suspect everyone. See that guy on his laptop at the coffee shop...probably a troll. My mom who pretends to not understand her email, quite possibly a troll. Look to your left, then to your right...if you didn't see anyone to accuse, you're the troll.

Trolls are the terrorists of the internet. They do nothing to improve society, in fact all they do is make the world wide web a breeding ground of their hatred and a place to spout their nonsense. Congress should take away their civil rights, let the gays be happy by leaving them alone for awhile and focus on making internet trolls the hot-bed political issue for the next election. We have a major issue here that needs a remedy. Contact your local state representative or whitehouse.gov to help stop these douchebags from commenting on all internet forums. This is 'Merica, if we can find an idiotic issue to take our minds off of real-world problems, we will do it.

In all seriousness, this behavior is unacceptable in life and on-line. If you are an internet troll and are seeking help, use this mantra to provide assistance with your transformation: "Stop being a dickwad."

Thank you. This concludes my message of hope for the next generation. My name is Jesse Pick from Northfield, MN...and I approve this message...except for the part when I called my mom a terrorist. 

Nerd on.